


I'm Coming Home

by Fnuggi



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Any mistakes are my own, Buck is a mess, M/M, Past Abuse, So much angst, Star Trek AU, Tarsus IV, but luckily he has the rest of the team, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23630128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fnuggi/pseuds/Fnuggi
Summary: The past has a way of catching up with you when you least expect it.
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 62





	I'm Coming Home

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”  
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss   
  


* * *

  
It’s been a quiet day at the station so far. Everyone’s going about their business and if he’s being completely honest, Buck thinks it’s too quiet. He can’t put his finger on why that is, but something doesn’t feel right.  
  
And it’s not just the ever present anger he feels. No, anger is something he’s gotten used to a long, long time ago. It’s always there, like a smoldering fire that refuses to die and it’s comfortable to Buck. He also knows that it’s only been that very same anger that’s kept him alive all these years, even if he tries to hide it behind his nonchalant facade.  
  
At first, it’s difficult to trust the others. Buck can’t help it, but he keeps expecting them to somehow leave him. After all, everyone he’s ever cared for has left him - and It doesn’t matter whether it’s by choice or not, it hurts all the same - so why would these people be any different?  
  
When the call comes in, Buck feels his gut clench painfully. He could never tell anyone how he knows that this is it, but he does.  
  
The call is for a hostage situation, and while no one's gotten hurt yet, the LAPD wants them standing by, just in case. It’s nothing out of the ordinary, or so Bobby thinks until they arrive at the scene.  
  
When he sees who the perp is, he feels like he’s been punched in the gut. She’s standing in front of the house, the phaser in her hand pressed into the back of the head of the man who’s on his knees in front of her. Before he even knows what he’s doing, he moves towards Athena and the SWAT captain she’s with. It’s only Bobby’s tight grip on his arm that stops him.  
  
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He asks angrily. Buck winces at that. He knows he’s still on thin ice after he got fired, but he has to try. “I can help” For a long moment, the two of them make eye contact and finally, Bobby seems to find what he’s looking for.  
  
“Okay” And with that, Bobby lets go of Buck’s arm. He looks over to where the Athena is standing. While he was talking to Bobby, he could practically feel Athena’s eyes burning holes in the back of his skull, and he has to stop himself from sighing with relief when she gives him an almost imperceptible nod.  
  
With that, Buck turns his attention to the woman and the hostage. The people he work with are many things, but stupid isn’t one of them and he knows there’s no way they’ll miss the family resemblance.  
  
“Hey Maddie” Buck’s voice was soft, his hands raised so that she could see that he was unarmed. When she hears him her head snaps up to look at him and her eyes goes wide.  
  
“No, no, no! You shouldn’t be here! You died!” She’s shaking her head as she speaks, as if the movement is enough to make him disappear.  
  
“No Maddie, I’m really here” As he speaks, he’s edging closer, moving slowly so as to not startle her. When he’s a few feet away from her, he speaks again. “You don’t want to do this. He’s innocent”  
  
“He deserves to die!”  
  
“No, he doesn’t. Look at him Maddie” Buck’s voice shook as he spoke. “He has a family, people he cares for” He could see Maddie hesitate.  
  
“If you do this, you’re no better than the people who killed our parents” Before she can say anything, there’s a loud bang and Buck knows from experience that it’s the sound of a phaser rifle being fired.  
  
For several long moments it feels as if the world has stopped.  
  
And then Maddie slumps up against him and it’s all he can do to stay upright. “No, no, Maddie, don’t do this to me” He can feel tears streaming down his face and for once, he doesn’t care. “I can’t lose you, not now. Please, I only just found you again”  
  
Buck can feel hands on him, trying to pry him away from her and then Bobby is there.  
  
“You have to let Chim do his work” He’s right. Of course he’s right and Buck knows it. But he can’t help the feeling that if he lets go of Maddie now, he’ll never see her again.  
  
“I promise I’ll do everything I can to help her, but you gotta let me take a look” Chim says, and the urgency in his voice is enough to get Buck to let go of his sister.  
  
After a few tense moments, Chim looked up at Buck, relief on his face. “She’s going to be okay. She’s gonna be out cold for some time and she’ll most likely also need dermal regeneration to keep the wound from scaring, but other than that, she’ll be fine”  
  
Buck is glad Bobby is there because he’s sure that the only thing keeping upright in that moment is the older man’s arms around him.  
  
“Come on, kid. Let’s go home”  
  


* * *

  
  
He has no idea how long he’s been sitting on the floor of the locker room. After they’d all changed out of their gear, the others had left him alone, understanding that he needed time alone. Buck knew they would have questions. There was no way they wouldn’t, not after everything that had happened today. He just couldn’t bring himself to face them. Not yet.  
  
It’s strange. He’s lost count of how many dangerous situations he’s been in ever since he became a firefighter, but none of them ever scared him as much as facing the rest of the team now does.  
  
Buck had spend most of the day in the hospital with Maddie, and when she had been discharged they had agreed to meet up for coffee in a few days and, well, that was one more thing he was scared to face. A part of him still couldn’t believe she was really here and he still expected to wake up in his bed to find that it was all just a dream.  
  
Finally, he got up. Better get it over with.  
  
As he approached the kitchen, he could hear quiet conversation, but when he came up the stairs the conversation died.  
  
“I owe you all an explanation for what happened today” He said.  
  
“Buck, you don’t owe us anything. But we’re all here for you if you need it” Hen said, her voice so soft and filled with sympathy that Buck has to swallow around the lump that has suddenly formed in his throat before he can reply.  
  
“Okay, maybe I don’t owe you anything but I… I need to do it for myself. I think talking about it… would be good for me” And if he’s being completely honest with himself, he’d rather it be with these people; his family.  
  
The rest of the crew waited with bated breath as Buck tried to figure out where to start.   
  
“I’m sure you’ve all heard Tarsus IV and what… what happened there. Well, I… I was there” Buck is staring at the floor, determined not to look at any of the others. “Me and Maddie both were”  
  
Of course, the others knew about Tarsus. As the media so fittingly had put it, it was the greatest tragedy in the history of the Federation and even if you didn’t know anyone who’d been directly involved in what happened, you still knew of it.  
  
“Our parents had a farm there and for most of my childhood, things were good. Great, even” Buck’s voice is shaking, but he continues. “And then it happened”  
  
Buck feels himself swaying, but luckily, Bobby is at is side in an instant, guiding to one of the couches. He can feel panic start to set in. It’s squeezing the air from his lungs, making it nearly impossible to breathe and then...   
  
And then Eddie is there, cupping Buck’s face in both his hands. “Breathe with me Buck. That’s it, deep and slow” As he does it, Buck can feel himself calming down, though whether it’s because of the breathing or Eddie’s touch, he doesn’t know.  
  
When he’s calm again, Eddie leans back, and it’s only then that Buck notices the tears in the other man’s eyes.  
  
“It happened so slowly, it was easy to ignore at first. But the food shortage just got worse and worse until Kodos decided that half of the colony’s population should be executed” Buck squeezes his eyes shut against a fresh wave of tears.  
  
“The revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV.” Buck’s voice shook as he recited the words.  
  
“It’s funny. I can remember Kodos’ speech as clearly as if it was yesterday that I heard it, but I don’t remember what my parents looked like. All I remember of them is their screams as they died” Buck is no longer looking at his team. Instead, he’s looking through them.  
  
“At first, it was just me and Maddie, but soon, other kids joined us. They’d lost their families too and, well, since me and Maddie were the oldest in the group, it fell to us to keep the others safe” Buck sighs.”And I failed them too. One of Kodos’ patrols found our camp while I was out looking for food, and when I came back, they were all just… gone.” Buck’s voice breaks on the last word.  
  
“They’re the reason I decided to become a firefighter. I couldn’t save them, but maybe I can make up for it by saving others” He said, running his hands down his face. While it was true, Buck also knew that he could never save enough people to make up for the ones he had lost on Tarsus.  
  
“Everything after that is honestly a blur. Starfleet finally showed up and got all of us to Earth and after that, there was a lot of well meaning people who didn’t know shit about what actually happened”  
  
The silence stretched out between all of them, and when it was broken, it was Chim who spoke. “That’s why you’re always snacking on something” It wasn’t a question and Buck could only nod in response.  
  
“When I came here, I promised myself that I would never, ever go hungry like that again. I know, rationally, that I don’t have to worry about going hungry here, but I just… can’t help it” Buck said quietly.  
  
“Oh Buckaroo” Bobby’s voice is filled with so much compassion that it’s almost enough to break him completely, but instead, he continues.  
  
“After I was released, I went into foster care and, well, let’s just say that they were only in it for the credits. Said I needed the extra disciplining too” The words slipped out before Buck even knew it and the look that Athena gave him at the admission made him shrink back from her.  
  
“I want their names” Her voice was filled with barely restrained anger as she spoke. “It doesn’t matter Athena. It’s-” Before Buck can finish the sentence, Athena cuts him off. “It does and I’m gonna make damn sure that these scumbags never hurt another kid, ever again” For several long heartbeats, all Buck can do is stare at her.  
  
“Alice and John Porter” He finally says and then adds: “You’re not mad at me, are you?”  
  
For a split-second, Athena’s expression is one of confusion, but then it changes to a softer one.”I’m not mad at you, Buck, I’m angry  _ for  _ you. No one should have to go through what you’ve been through” She sits down on the couch next to him and pulls him into a sideways hug.  
  
And just like that, Buck breaks.  
  
His sobs shake his entire body, and he has no idea how long he’s been crying when the tears finally stop, but to his surprise, the entire team is still there. He feels lightheaded and doesn’t react when Bobby tells him and Eddie to take the next week off from work.  
  
“Come on, let’s get out of here” Eddie says, pulling Buck up by the hand and for once, Buck doesn’t have it in him to protest.  
  


* * *

  
Later, after Eddie’s gotten off the phone with his mom, they're sitting together on the couch in Eddie’s living room. They were supposed to pick Christopher up tonight, but luckily, Eddie’s parents didn’t mind looking after him for another night. Buck is thankful for that, because the last thing he want is for Christopher to see him like this.  
  
Buck and Eddie still have so much they need to talk about, but neither of them knows where to even begin.  
  
“I’m so, so sorry that I didn’t see how much you were hurting” Eddie said softly, turning to Buck, who shakes his head. “You didn’t see it because I didn’t want you to, and besides, I’m the one who should be apologizing. I should have known I could talk to you about this, it’s just… I was terrified that if I let you see how broken I really am, you’d leave. And I couldn’t bear to lose you too”  
  
Eddie can almost feel his heart breaking at Buck’s words. “I would never leave you, Buck” He said through his tears. “Christopher adores you and I love you so much. Yes, I’ll admit that what you told us today came as a shock, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you”  
  
And before Buck knows what’s happening, Eddie is kissing him. It’s something Buck has fantasized about for a long time, but it still surprises him just how easy it; how right it feels. When they come up for air, they’re both smiling and impulsively, Buck leans in to rest his forehead against Eddie’s.   
  
“You know, I’ve never been particularly religious, especially not after…” Buck’s voice trails off. “After what happened to me and I used to ask myself every day why I deserve to live when they didn’t. I’ve never been very religious, especially not after mom and dad were killed, but I do believe that I was meant to find you”  
  
Eddie laugh quietly. “You’re ridiculous, you know that, right?” All Buck can do is hum in agreement as Eddie pulls him up by the hand and leads him towards his bedroom. Later, there will be time for Buck to think about the implications of what has happened tonight, but for now, he’s content to let Eddie help him out of his clothes.  
  
He’s not okay, and part of him doubt he’ll ever be, but as he starts to drift off to sleep, back flush against Eddie’s chest, he felt at peace for the first time in years.  
  


* * *

  
“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”  
― John Donne, No man is an island - A selection from the prose 


End file.
